Monday, April 19, 2010

Arab Conspiracy Theories

I love conspiracy theories. One of my favorite parts about working at Abel's last summer was trading crazy theories with Bob, who worked as a prep cook. I gave him a book called Rule By Secrecy that covered pretty much everything conspiracy-related--the Kennedy assassination, the Bilderbergers, numerology, aliens, etc. I learned a ton just talking with Bob when we were killing time in the kitchen.

Anyway, the reason I'm talking about this is because I met my first Arab conspiracy theorist at the gym last night. His name is Ayman, and we spent 45 minutes talking in the sauna at my gym. Each time one of us said something everyone else in the sauna would laugh at the ridiculousness of the conversation. Here are some highlights:

Me: I study history, politics....
Ayman: American history?
N: Yes.
A: Who do you like in American history?
N: Well, I think Lincoln was pretty good, and Roosevelt.
A: Do you like Bush?
N: Not the son, but the first Bush was OK. [George H.W. is kind of polarizing in the Arab world because of the whole Gulf War thing, but I think he was a pretty decent president]
A: Why do you like the first Bush?
N: Uh... he did good things when the Cold War ended.
A: No, he is shit, he is a huge troublemaker. And he fathered Bush the second, and he started to destroy the economies, then his son continued.
N: Yeah, I mean I don't like Bush the second either...
A: And now the whole world is suffering, and their family is rich. All of their friends are working in banks and taking the houses from Americans...
N: Bush's friends work in oil companies, not banks.
A: Yes, that too. They are all rich, and making us poor.

[later on]
N: Do you like Obama?
A: Obama, he is good person. Maybe his morals are better than Bush. But his politics, same thing. I like Clinton.
N: Why?
A: He wanted the peace. Israel, they no like Clinton.
N: Really?
A: Yes, the Israelis, they set a trap to hurt Clinton. When he make sex with his secretary, that was an Israeli trap.
N: His secretary... Monica Lewinsky... was Israeli?
A: No, but she worked for them. They want to distract Clinton, you see.
N: If the Israelis wanted to do that, wouldn't they find a more beautiful girl? His secretary was not very pretty.
A: No, but she was available. They don't say this on the news, you know.
N: I know. But why does it matter if she is available?
A: Because Clinton's wife is beautiful, but she is old. He want a younger girl.
N: Oh, I see. This is a very good idea you have, I like it.
A: Thank you. You can't always listen to the news. The news, they say things and you just believe them. Politics, it is a fucker.
N: Yes, it is a pervert. [This curse is worse in Arabic because of the haram thing].

I can only hope that our next conversation is as awesome as that one.

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